The Beginning of the End

      Welcome, Gentle Reader. I am a recovering man-whore. After years of slutting myself out to the highest (or even cheapest) bidder, I have recently exited a relationship that let me know that I deserve more. No more crazies with tailored strait jackets, no more desperate baby mamas, no more homeless chicks that can give epic head. I know.....it's a sad day for me as well. Sorry "ladies." I recently had a girl even tell me she gave me the best handjob in the world. Really? A handjob? I don't do handies on the back of the school bus anymore. Want to know how to give a good handjob? Use your fucking mouth.  I originally intended to title this blog "The Misadventures of Captain Save-A-Ho," but those days are behind me. I found the word "Death" to be more than appropriate.
      This being my first entry, I thought I would just summarize our future journey together. I plan to start at the beginning of all of this mess (you hear that Quentin Tarantino? you hear that "Inception"? Start at the fucking beginning, stop being cute). Hopefully in the words of the great Jim Valvano, I will make you laugh, think, and cry. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E). This speech alone inspires me to be better. Jimmy Valvano said "How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? And I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream. A goal. You have to be willing to work for it." If you have never seen this speech, I encourage you to watch it. If you have seen it, fucking watch it again....... you heartless bastard.

      Before I lose you, let me explain myself a little. I pride myself on horrible humor. I want you shaking your head while you're laughing. If I make a cancer joke, (such as Pancreatic Cancer being referred to as "The Swayze") I want you to understand. It's a fucking joke. If we can't joke and laugh about these things, Gentle Reader, how will we ever make it through them? So this is where I am at..."How do you go from where you are to where you want to be?" Well this is my wish, my dream, and it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking 'em all back. (A big thanks to The Goonies, Steven Spielberg, and Corey Feldman) This really is my dream. To entertain. To provide laughter.

     In our first chapter, we will catch up with our hero at the end of high school. Damn right Tarantino, fuck the beginning. When a girl who has since accidentally let her toddler eat a bag of dope, set me on the path you find me walking off of today. I will change the names to protect the guilty, but I promise to tell you the truth. So what do you say, Gentle Reader, are you up for the journey?


  1. Go for it! I am still laughing "The Swayze."

  2. Love it Matt! Congrats! can't wait to read more about "the guilty" you made me laugh :) and the goonies ROCK!!