I'm Not One to Hold a Grudge

      Gentle Reader, I've grown sick and tired of these self-pity Facebook status updates. "Why can't I find a good man? So tired of assholes!" The reason for this is YOU don't like guys that treat you well. YOU prefer a guy that borrows 200 bucks, buys cocaine with it, sticks his cock in your ass, drops you off at home, and then sleeps with your best friend AFTER he does the coke with her.  This behavior can only be tolerated once. You can NEVER again speak to a man that treats you like this. If you do, it tells him that it's fine, your dumb-ass will take it, and you probably have a pretty strong jaw and can take a punch.

      If you continually make the same mistakes over and over again, you can't repeatedly tell yourself that it's just destiny or God's plan for you. Eventually, you need to accept responsibility for where you are in life, and make a change if needed. Jesus will never change the fact that you're a whore and that you think being able to suck a dick like it will pay the bills will eventually land you a good husband. It won't. Sucking a mean dick might keep the lights on for a couple months, but eventually he will move on. Guys may be stupid and fueled by sex, but trust me, we can spot a whore when we fuck one. You don't seriously think ALL the girls ask for it in their face?? If you are at least 30 years old or getting close, it's time to blame yourself. Stop waiting for "God" to save you. Get off your knees (double-meaning intended) and save yourself.

      There are three things that I love more than anything else in this world. In no particular order, they are cold beer, friends and family, and a nice rack. God bless a woman with a sweet pair of fun bags. I do love me a good pair of titties, breasts, boobs, hooters, sweater puppies, ta-tas, tig ol' bitties, chesticles, juggs, lung warts, moon balloons, Bert & Ernies, blouse muffins, fun bubbles, button-busters, bouncing bettys, sheet draggers, milk wagons, or even two-bald-gentleman-trapped-in-a-top. My fascination with female breasts probably has something to do with the fact that I was breast-fed until the age of 11. Don't ask me why. Apparently, my mother either found me quite attractive or was really worried about my Vitamin D intake and the risk of early-onset-Osteoporosis. Thanks Mom. I might have severe emotional issues the rest of my life, but at least I can grudge-fuck a girl without worrying about breaking my hip.
      Speaking of "grudge-fucking," this is not an exact science, but it goes something like this. You love the hell out of someone, and then find out they have been cheating on you.  This is the perfect opportunity for a good grudge-fuck. Your mission in this situation is to inflict as much humiliation as you can. Some people would take the obvious path, and try to pull her hair, slap her around a bit, give her a "Russian Bobsled," and maybe try to stick it in her ass like it's your birthday and she ran out of gift ideas.
      These are all amateur moves at best. I always find the best way to walk away still feeling somewhat like a man is to act like you are having the hottest, most mind-blowing sex ever, and then pretend like you are about to bust a nut, and then, I just piss inside them......Now let's see who walks away with the most shame. I'm betting on you, semen-sampler. Yeah, you slept with my brother, but I just took a piss in your baby-maker. Dignity is going to be just a little out of reach for you for a while. So, to wrap it all up, the moral of this story is "Don't Fuck With The Captain!" And if no one ever reads this blog after this, I would not be surprised. Until next time, Gentle Reader.

Russian Bobsled - A sexual act where a man is engaging a woman doggy-style next to a flight of stairs, then pushes her down the stairs, and rides her the whole way down.