It's Good To Be Back

      I know that I don't write enough for anyone to even read this anymore, but honestly I just haven't been feeling it. I would rather wait, and give you something worth reading than to put out the bullshit I did the last few times I posted. So for those who have stuck with me, I think you are in for a treat.  Just when you thought it was safe to send your daughters out to the store for milk, I have made a return.So put the women and children to bed, because honestly, that bitch should have had the dishes washed by now anyway, and if your kids haven't finished their homework by now, they probably don't stand much of a chance.

      Girls, you have to learn to put out on a daily basis. Just because you aren't feeling it, that doesn't mean shit to us. You want to talk, or snuggle, or watch Twilight, and we damn sure are never feeling that. But you know what we do? We man the fuck up, tell you how cute Edward and Bella looked at the wedding, and pray for a blowjob at the end of the night. You keep holding out on us and you better not go to sleep with your mouth open. Actually, go ahead, and I will just pinch your nose until you open your mouth anyway. And yes, I will say that it was just a bad dream, I have no idea why you woke up covered in semen and shame. Guys, just be careful while sleep-raping a woman. If you find a few bumps in the road down there, you might want to back off. That's herpes, not crotch-braille. If it was, it would say "Do Not Enter, Please Use Other Door." 

      Guys, you have to quit with this whole "I want to fuck a broomstick" thing. Girls that look like Angelina Jolie are few and far between, and I personally thank God for that. That fucking woman's arms look like a teepee that had to be stretched out because the Indians were missing a tentpole. If you don't think a woman with curves is sexy, you're an asshat. Go ahead, fuck that Thin Mint and enjoy the bruises you will get from banging up against a skeleton for a half-hour. Don't get me wrong, skinny bitches deserve love too. I know that small tits suck, but they still won't suck themselves, so let's get to it gentlemen.

       So my girlfriend and I recently went condom shopping. We were having a hard time finding something that fit nicely around my junk, but one that wasn't covered in enough spermocide to dry her up until next year's Fall Harvest. I found out the hard way that apparently I am driving the mid-size sedan of cock sizes. A cheap one from the grocery store made me feel like my dick was shrink-wrapped and vacuum-sealed. So we decided to try something else, but when I put on a Magnum, you know, just to see how it fit. It looked like I put a sock over the head of a hummingbird just to try to suffocate it. Thinking my body position might have something to do with the lack of snug-ness, I stood up just to sadly hear it immediately hit the floor. Nothing makes you feel less like a man then putting on a condom, while alone, and then having to throw it away because you couldn't use it in the first place. Until next time, Gentle Reader.