It's Good To Be Back

      I know that I don't write enough for anyone to even read this anymore, but honestly I just haven't been feeling it. I would rather wait, and give you something worth reading than to put out the bullshit I did the last few times I posted. So for those who have stuck with me, I think you are in for a treat.  Just when you thought it was safe to send your daughters out to the store for milk, I have made a return.So put the women and children to bed, because honestly, that bitch should have had the dishes washed by now anyway, and if your kids haven't finished their homework by now, they probably don't stand much of a chance.

      Girls, you have to learn to put out on a daily basis. Just because you aren't feeling it, that doesn't mean shit to us. You want to talk, or snuggle, or watch Twilight, and we damn sure are never feeling that. But you know what we do? We man the fuck up, tell you how cute Edward and Bella looked at the wedding, and pray for a blowjob at the end of the night. You keep holding out on us and you better not go to sleep with your mouth open. Actually, go ahead, and I will just pinch your nose until you open your mouth anyway. And yes, I will say that it was just a bad dream, I have no idea why you woke up covered in semen and shame. Guys, just be careful while sleep-raping a woman. If you find a few bumps in the road down there, you might want to back off. That's herpes, not crotch-braille. If it was, it would say "Do Not Enter, Please Use Other Door." 

      Guys, you have to quit with this whole "I want to fuck a broomstick" thing. Girls that look like Angelina Jolie are few and far between, and I personally thank God for that. That fucking woman's arms look like a teepee that had to be stretched out because the Indians were missing a tentpole. If you don't think a woman with curves is sexy, you're an asshat. Go ahead, fuck that Thin Mint and enjoy the bruises you will get from banging up against a skeleton for a half-hour. Don't get me wrong, skinny bitches deserve love too. I know that small tits suck, but they still won't suck themselves, so let's get to it gentlemen.

       So my girlfriend and I recently went condom shopping. We were having a hard time finding something that fit nicely around my junk, but one that wasn't covered in enough spermocide to dry her up until next year's Fall Harvest. I found out the hard way that apparently I am driving the mid-size sedan of cock sizes. A cheap one from the grocery store made me feel like my dick was shrink-wrapped and vacuum-sealed. So we decided to try something else, but when I put on a Magnum, you know, just to see how it fit. It looked like I put a sock over the head of a hummingbird just to try to suffocate it. Thinking my body position might have something to do with the lack of snug-ness, I stood up just to sadly hear it immediately hit the floor. Nothing makes you feel less like a man then putting on a condom, while alone, and then having to throw it away because you couldn't use it in the first place. Until next time, Gentle Reader.


Stop And Smell The Roses

      Gentle Reader, I know that I have neglected you for far too long, but I want you to know that I am back and plan on giving this my all again. You shouldn't have to wait 3 weeks for a blog entry. Most of you won't even wait that long for sex from your spouse. Not that I blame you. After that kind of wait, I'm pretty sure your only options at this point are fucking them in their sleep or asking for a divorce. Oh, I'm not saying you should look outside of your relationship for a good time. Not that you can't find it, it's just you will be risking everything that matters so much more. Strangers can't make you happy.  I mean, yes, "she" might lick your asshole or "he" might have a big, fat cock but that doesn't mean they are marriage material. Sometimes, you just have to prioritize to get what you want. Plus you have to be very careful these days. You don't want to go running around on your husband and pass on a good ol' case of twat-rot. You might get away with it for a few days, but once he starts pissing blood I'm pretty sure trust is out the window.

       You have to find somebody that you can just be yourself around. Someone that you can be totally comfortable with. I think I found that person with the First Mate. She is the first girl I've ever met that I can fart in front of...... Yes, I am asleep when I do it, but I think that means something special is going on. I can even take a shit with her in the house, with her ACTUALLY knowing I am doing it. I don't have to cut the water from the sink on and pretend like I am brushing my teeth or anything. It's a good feeling. I still try to make sure she steers clear of the toilet for at least an hour, but I think I am finally making progress. We love each other but it's not like we have reached the point of her giving me a blumpkin yet.

       Honestly, you just have to find a way to trust the other person completely. You can't assume your girlfriend just blew somebody behind a gas station because she got back home 3 minutes later than you thought she should. If you've ever said, "I called her 14 times and that BITCH never answered," ask yourself why in the hell you just called somebody fourteen times in a row. Unless you are trying to win tickets from a radio station, you should never call a number more than twice. Once, to talk to them, and the second time is just to make sure you hit the right button. If you ever get to the third call, you are now officially having a "I'm-fucking-crazy-crisis." Just take a breath and calm the fuck down. Perhaps, you should just assume that the foreign fucktard at the store couldn't find my cigarettes and just keep stirring that Hamburger Helper until I get back home. Trust me, if people are going to fuck around, it's not going to be for 8 minutes in the back seat of a car at the gas station. Oh Hell NO! Make a woman unhappy for long enough, and they will have a hotel room with candles lit, massage oils warming up, Al Green on the radio, and rose petals on the floor. After years of dealing with your over-jealous-out-of-work-ass, a woman is about to take her time. It's going to be romantic and most likely with someone you know, because deep down she is trying to hurt you more than she wants to help herself. Jealousy in small doses shows that you care, but when it's full-on "Where the FUCK were you the last 10 minutes?" All that really does is push them away and make them want to cheat that much more.  Gentle Reader, just keep that in mind next time your significant other comes home a little later than you thought they should.


Be Safe Out There

      Welcome fucking back, Gentle Reader. God damn if it hasn't been too long. I've been lost somewhere in the middle of love and lust and thought that I lacked the ability to write while I'm in a happy place. Come on Miles, just because you found a girl to fall in love with doesn't mean that you can't hate whores anymore. In fact, I think that it means I've grown to hate you filthy beasts even more. My life has been going great. I would even bet that it's better than yours. I am up for a promotion at work, my brother and his lovely wife are expecting their first child, and I am in love for the first time since I found out about masturbation. Congratulations you guys, but next time you tell me that you are trying to have a baby, please try to not already be pregnant when you tell me. It makes me think you are Amish teenagers in love about to have a shotgun wedding to hide the real date of conception. I mean, you guys have been together for almost 13 years. Feel free to fuck whenever you want.
      This really got me thinking about child birth, pregnancy, and the importance of birth control in my daily life. Having dated an ex-stripper that was pregnant with twins, and I'm pretty sure this qualifies me as an expert on these subjects. I have learned a lot. Question: Is birth control covered under health insurance. Answer: Only when it doesn't work.  I also learned that if a pregnant woman wants to know when her child will move, you should never answer, "Hopefully as soon as they turn 18." Ladies, please just stop asking questions about pregnancy to men with no children. We have no fucking idea if having onion rings in bed every night is a "normal" craving. I guess it depends on what the fuck you are doing with them. If you are just eating a plateful and then washing them down with a sack of Reese's Pieces, you are probably going to be okay. I mean you can kiss your perky rack goodbye, and I'm pretty sure in a couple more years I won't even remember what a blowjob feels like, but yeah, life is good. Hell, once "fucking" turns into "trying to have a baby," your dick no longer belongs to you anyway. It's a baby-batter-maker on a timeclock. Once those ovulation charts get broken out, ohhhh watch out fellas, you are in for a treat. If there is a Harvest Moon on the second Tuesday of the month, get ready for the most passionate 6 minutes of missionary you've ever seen, followed by watching your woman stand on her head for the next half-hour.
      Which brings me to my next topic. Birth Control. I am a firm believer that when scientists develop a pill that will allow men to only ejaculate clouds of dust, I will be that smiling fucker at the front of the line. I have nothing against children, and I fully plan on ruining the life of at least one before I leave this god-forsaken place, it's just that I like to feel in control of a situation. I find it amazing that you can just create a life. People can just MAKE people. You don't even have to mean to make them when you make them. You can literally make a fucking baby by drinking too much liquor and forgetting your girlfriend likes it ON her and not IN her. It's mind-blowing that I could accidentally create a human life. But, if you want to build a shed....... you REALLY gotta want to build that shed. I mean, no one's ever called you after a long weekend and said, "I think I might have built a shed last night." I just want to be ready when it happens for me. Let me end with the moral of this story. If you aren't ready for a baby, please do what you can to be safe.  A stork may bring you a baby, but a swallow never will. Keep that in mind until next time, Gentle Reader.

      Also, everyone say hey to Liz. She is a follower from Canada. That's right. I'm worldwide bitches. Liz, I will have a link for you in a couple days if you want to buy a shirt. Thanks for reading.