Gentle Reader, I know that I have neglected you for far too long, but I want you to know that I am back and plan on giving this my all again. You shouldn't have to wait 3 weeks for a blog entry. Most of you won't even wait that long for sex from your spouse. Not that I blame you. After that kind of wait, I'm pretty sure your only options at this point are fucking them in their sleep or asking for a divorce. Oh, I'm not saying you should look outside of your relationship for a good time. Not that you can't find it, it's just you will be risking everything that matters so much more. Strangers can't make you happy. I mean, yes, "she" might lick your asshole or "he" might have a big, fat cock but that doesn't mean they are marriage material. Sometimes, you just have to prioritize to get what you want. Plus you have to be very careful these days. You don't want to go running around on your husband and pass on a good ol' case of twat-rot. You might get away with it for a few days, but once he starts pissing blood I'm pretty sure trust is out the window.
You have to find somebody that you can just be yourself around. Someone that you can be totally comfortable with. I think I found that person with the First Mate. She is the first girl I've ever met that I can fart in front of...... Yes, I am asleep when I do it, but I think that means something special is going on. I can even take a shit with her in the house, with her ACTUALLY knowing I am doing it. I don't have to cut the water from the sink on and pretend like I am brushing my teeth or anything. It's a good feeling. I still try to make sure she steers clear of the toilet for at least an hour, but I think I am finally making progress. We love each other but it's not like we have reached the point of her giving me a blumpkin yet.
Honestly, you just have to find a way to trust the other person completely. You can't assume your girlfriend just blew somebody behind a gas station because she got back home 3 minutes later than you thought she should. If you've ever said, "I called her 14 times and that BITCH never answered," ask yourself why in the hell you just called somebody fourteen times in a row. Unless you are trying to win tickets from a radio station, you should never call a number more than twice. Once, to talk to them, and the second time is just to make sure you hit the right button. If you ever get to the third call, you are now officially having a "I'm-fucking-crazy-crisis." Just take a breath and calm the fuck down. Perhaps, you should just assume that the foreign fucktard at the store couldn't find my cigarettes and just keep stirring that Hamburger Helper until I get back home. Trust me, if people are going to fuck around, it's not going to be for 8 minutes in the back seat of a car at the gas station. Oh Hell NO! Make a woman unhappy for long enough, and they will have a hotel room with candles lit, massage oils warming up, Al Green on the radio, and rose petals on the floor. After years of dealing with your over-jealous-out-of-work-ass, a woman is about to take her time. It's going to be romantic and most likely with someone you know, because deep down she is trying to hurt you more than she wants to help herself. Jealousy in small doses shows that you care, but when it's full-on "Where the FUCK were you the last 10 minutes?" All that really does is push them away and make them want to cheat that much more. Gentle Reader, just keep that in mind next time your significant other comes home a little later than you thought they should.