The Captain's First Mate

      Gentle Reader, I apologize for the major drop in quantity and quality over the last few weeks. Even if I don't write all that often, I'm fucking sure my blog can beat up your blog. I had toyed with the idea of quitting on you. I realized that I wasn't writing this for you after all. I was writing for me. We've touched on knives being pulled on me, and girls stealing my change, Nintendo, and self-respect. I just feel like whatever baggage I had is now gone. Also, all of the cynicism, bitterness, and hatred I had for the female gender is pretty much gone at this point. I actually read everything that I had written up to this point and was curious as to where it all even came from. I would like to personally thank each and everyone of you for all of your comments and support. Whatever deep disturbed place I was writing from seems to be just outside of my grasp. I'm not saying this will be the last one, but I'm not sure exactly when the next one will be.

      Let me start by clearing up a common misconception people have about me. Apparently, I tend to give off a slightly arrogant vibe. No, I don't have an ego problem, you have a self-confidence problem. I'm not arrogant just because I know I'm better at comedy, trivia, spelling contests, sexual performance, board games, geography, and sculpting figurines out of wood putty.  It's not that I think my shit doesn't stink, I'm just very aware that mine smells a lot better than yours. I do love me some me though. I actually even date-raped myself once. Seriously. I was up late drinking one night and decided to slip myself a sleeping pill. I woke up a couple hours later with my cock in one hand, my other hand over my mouth to keep me quiet, and I was telling myself to just calm down and go with it. And yeah.....I went with it, but the conversation afterwards was just a tad bit awkward. Honestly, I was probably "asking for it" with that short skirt I was wearing.

      I've talked endlessly to you about not giving up hope. There is someone out there for all of us. I've told you to just be patient and you will find someone like you. Ya know, someone else that digs bubble baths and butt sex. Though never at the same time. Trust me, don't do that shit. No one likes bubbles tickling their colon, and no one ever looked sexy submerged in muddy water....You're welcome. I HAVE met someone though. We met, and after an hour, we both knew that we should be together. People say that sometimes you meet someone and "just know." It was like that. She is like a female version of me. Scary, I know. For example, the other day, we were speaking of birth control, and she tells me, "Well I should either get back on birth control, or we are going to have to invest in some wire coat hangers." Now THAT is a woman after my heart. You just have to find someone that works for you and be patient enough to wait for them to show up in your life. If you waste time fucking gutter-sluts, cum-dumpsters, and your wife's sister, you will never find that kind of connection. Sometimes, when you refuse to settle, and you walk alone for a little while, something real just might come along. Don't ever give up hope, Gentle Reader.

1 comment:

  1. Just for the record, my copy of "David" was so much better than your self portrait figurine.

    PS...forget the birth control.