Scorn, Horns, and Unicorns

     Gentle Reader, I am supposed to be doing some traveling this fall/winter. I am allegedly going to Jamaica with a group of friends, since we are all turning 30 this year. I worry about the plane crashing. I wonder what would go through my mind during something like that. What would you do if you were on a plane and you see like the engine just fall off and then feel the plane start going down?.......... I think I would just start killing people.  Just to see what it felt like to take a life before I lost mine. Ya know? I would just start snapping necks and grabbing tits. Next thing you know, you're standing in a pile of bodies, and knowing my luck, then you feel the plane straighten out and hear the captain say, "Sorry about that, folks. Little bit of turbulence there. Should be smooth sailing the rest of the way in."

      I am going to go out on a limb today. We are going to discuss sex and relationships. What a shock? I'll alert the media. First off, a little advice for my lady-friends out there. If you get done having sex with a man, and he doesn't cuddle with you, then SEX was all it was. If he liked you at all, he would at least "spoon" for 15 minutes. If for no other reason, this would give him the option of coming back at a later date. If he just throws a towel at you afterwards, tells you to clean yourself up, and then starts putting his clothes back on, I am pretty sure a ring is not in your future. Post-sex behavior is just one example of how different guys and girls really are. Another example is the marriage proposal. Look at the difference in reactions between girls and guys when they find out a friend is getting married. Girls will just start screaming uncontrollably, jumping around, having spontaneous orgasms, and hugging each other like one of them just won a reality show. Totally different with guys. Let a dude tell his buddies he is getting married. That room goes as quiet as a funeral home. A group of men will turn instantly into Marines in battle, "MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! What the fuck just happened? Get the FUCK OUT OF THERE! We need a chopper here NOW!" The problem is, both men and women are right at this point. Marriage is something to be completely celebrated and completely feared. It can simultaneously be the BEST and WORST thing that ever happened to someone. That's because people change. People grow in different ways, and then they end up growing apart. They can both enter into it totally in love with one another, but the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

      Finding two twenty-somethings with a good marriage is like stumbling across a unicorn in the meadow, or a girl that knows how to suck on balls. All three are mythical creatures. Most girls treat a man's testicle like she intends on pulling it right out of the sack. Right then. Right there. No man wants to look down and see his scrotum stretched to it's limits while you look like you are trying to tear off a piece of beef jerky.  Those fuckers are hardwired in ladies. Just a heads-up. If you don't know your way around down there, either just leave it alone or ask for written instructions. 'Cause shit can go downhill in a hurry down there. I mean, that's how I make my money, so don't fuck with my finances. Also, a tip for the fellas. Keep an ear out while things are getting sexual with your lady. To know what she really likes, without having to ask her (since she's not going to tell you shit anyway), listen for her to say "Oh My God." Not just say it, but she has to say it like it's a fucking question. Like she doesn't know where she is, and doesn't understand what the hell is even going on anymore. That shit needs a lilt at the end of the sentence. Like, "oh my...OH my....oh, oh, Ohh My GOD??" When she turns it into a question, you know you're in there like swimwear.

      Men don't need a lot, ladies. A real horny man doesn't even need a hole. All he needs is a crease. The back of the knee, an arm-pit, or even right under the chin. If you're skinny enough, he will even fuck your shoulder-blades. So stop trying to analyze us, ladies. We are simple creatures. Don't think ten steps ahead, because we haven't made it past what we are going to do to you later. What we say is what we mean. If we tell you that you look beautiful, it doesn't mean we want to fuck your sister. Let that shit go. It only happened once, anyway, and she and I were both drunk. If we break up, you are just going to go after my brother or one of my friends anyway, just to get back at me. Sorry, got lost in the past there for a moment. Until next time, Gentle Reader.

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