Assholes and Thumbholes

      Well, Gentle Reader, it has been far too long, but a superhero's life is full of adventures that keep him busy. I mean, I have rent to pay for four ex-girlfriends, diapers to buy for three more, and various other errands to run. I actually had an entry written Monday morning and accidentally deleted it. Dumbass. I have a story I feel I must share. I was accused of being a gaycist over the weekend. It's like a racist, only you hate homosexuals instead of the people that wash your car and bag your groceries. I was at a house party at Trixie's house, and someone asked what that was in the vegetable tray. Being a cultured gentleman, I replied, "I believe that is edamame." This young, gay man wearing a long-sleeve shirt with holes cut in the sleeves so his delicate thumbs could breathe fresh air counters with, "I never thought a redneck would know what edamame was." Oh hell nah. It didn't even piss me off at first, but the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. It was one of those ticking time-bombs where someone says something to you, and you barely give it any thought. Then three hours later you are making pancakes naked or whatever it is you do, and you think "Wait a minute, what the fuck did he just say to me?"....tick...tick...Boom.

      It was one of those moments, except I wasn't making pancakes. I was still at the house party. As was "Thumb Hole." I came to the realization how insulting that one comment really was. Here is this guy from an Atlanta suburb who came on down to Nowhere-ville and thought since I was from here, I must be an ignorant redneck. I beg to differ, kind sir. I couldn't be further from it. I don't hunt. I don't fish. I don't drive a truck you need a fucking rope-ladder to climb into.  I don't own a pair of overalls or a deer rifle. I don't play the banjo or the spoons. I rarely go barefoot, and I don't have a sister to fuck even if I wanted to. Not to mention the fact that your IQ is probably near the square root of mine. Being in the inebriated condition I was in, I also felt like he insulted my family, my friends, and the town I grew up in. Those who don't know me, let me enlighten you. This is a dangerous combination. Miles Long + Drunk + Insult = Holy Fuckballs. I don't resort to ignorant cuss words and yelling when I want to insult someone. I chip away at you like a fucking sculptor. Say something, I pick it apart. I am like a sniper in the brush, just waiting to take the shot. I can be relentless, and I can be an asshole, but I make it clever and funny, which to me is all that matters. Needless to say, after the time-bomb went off, I had tunnel vision. At this point, I was just waiting for Thumb Hole to open his mouth, so I could turn it around, insult him, and make everyone else laugh in the process. This is always the best way to handle it for maximum hurt feelings. As an example, he almost fell backwards in his chair and caught himself. Then he said, "I just saw my life flash in front of my eyes." I responded with "Were you disappointed?" Eventually with everyone's laughter filling their ears, they will feel all alone in this small world, and victory shall be yours.

      After about an hour or two of attempting to crush Thumb Hole's spirit, I noticed he had disappeared. I inquired to his whereabouts and was told he was in the car refusing to come back inside. I actually felt bad, so I went out to the car to talk to him. I found him laying in the back of a hatchback Subaru looking like he had been crying. So I explained to him why I was upset with him. I also apologized for my relentlessness and told him to please come back inside. Meanwhile, back at the party, a couple of his friends were pretty much accusing me of a hate crime. I have gay and lesbian friends. Don't fucking go there. I didn't dislike him because he was gay, I disliked him because he acted like an uppity asshole who thought he was better than me. It can be the same way with all types of minorities. If someone ever crosses them, it is only because of their race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. That way they can act however they want, and when someone insults them back, they just call you a gaycist, racist, or a bigot. They don't have to take responsibility for their own actions. My step-father even once said "You know what you would be good at, impersonating a gay guy." I wasn't even sure how to take it. I thought it's not my fault that I'm smart, sassy, and an excellent dresser. I don't mean to stereotype; I know all gay guys aren't smart.  I thought this was a good story to share, so share I did. I promise to not take as much time updating again. I plan on writing what should be the easiest one yet. It will be starring "The Ex-Wife." Need I say more? Until next time, Gentle Reader.



  1. Wait, YOU didn't call cuss words IGNORANT, did you? I had to read that wrong!

  2. I was referring to the ignorant use of them. Not the words themselves.