The Succubus

      Welcome back, Gentle Reader. Last time we spoke, I brought up the "DON'T FALL IN LOVE" rule. I also mentioned that this was my Achilles' heel.  I can assure you, it's not what you think. It's not that making love with a woman makes me fall in love. The problem is men sometimes fall in love with making love to a woman. Not with the woman herself.  Guys, beware of this phenomenon.  Great sex clouds the mind and impairs judgement. So what if she is pregnant with twins? This "lady" knows what she's doing.  This is not a reasonable thought. I know, I've been there. This is a symptom of sleeping with too many girls that just lay there. Or is it lie there? My friend, "Hancock Barbie," will let me know. She is a grammar-nazi/English teacher. I digress. I was with a married woman once who would just lay there in utter silence staring at me. Then at some point, she would say "........I just came......" like she was trying to find out if Ferris Bueller made it to class that day or asking about the intricacies of Voodoo Economics. She was gorgeous, don't get me wrong, but this kind of girl makes MEN want to fake an orgasm. I actually did.......twice.

      The opposite of this is a succubus. Wikipedia says this about a succubus. "In folklore traced back to medieval legend, a succubus (plural succubi) is a female demon appearing in dreams who takes the form of a human woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse. The male counterpart is the incubus. Religious traditions hold that repeated intercourse with a succubus may result in the deterioration of health or even death." Ringing any bells yet, gentlemen? Yeah, you read that right, she will literally fuck the soul out of you. For example, I knew this girl that showed up at my house one day with the smoothest vagina on this side of puberty. I wasn't sure if her snatch was an albino, or if it was just on chemo. I mean there wasn't even a Gillette Fusion ProGlide challenge then; these were the "Mach 3" days. I think she must have waxed it in my driveway. A man is defenseless at this point. It was things like this that landed me in the arms of "The Succubus."

       Apparently, "The Succubus" was honing her cock-sucking skills while the rest of us were studying for spelling tests, because she was a former stripper, pregnant with twins, who lived in an empty house, and was lacking of all possessions....and these facts had no effect on me whatsoever. I mean, at 26 years old, at least most of us have acquired some shitty VHS tapes and a closet full of out-of-style clothes. Not "The Succubus." She was twice divorced and had nothing but a belly full of babies and a healthy sexual appetite. I had lusted after her for a decade. My cousin and I went swimming at her house one day while we were in high school, and she came walking downstairs to meet us in a see-through shirt and no bra. It was like the porno version of Rachel Leigh Cook in "She's All That."

      I told "The Succubus" she didn't have to work, she could just stay at home with her two new little babies. I mean, how much money can a girl even make "working the pole" with a twin-boys-C-Section scar?  Not enough for day-care, I'd wager. I bought the car-seats, double-baby-stroller, Diaper Genie, crib, changing table, diapers, and a breast pump that couldn't keep up with the appetites of two infants. Even still, toward the end of our relationship, by which I mean I kicked her out three days later, she told me, "You don't do enough for me." Really? So first, I'm a piece of shit that doesn't care because I wouldn't sign the birth certificates like I was the father, and now I don't do enough because I won't give you $600/month just for whatever. After clothing and feeding you and the two boys, I DON'T have $600 left for fuck's sake. Can I at least get a $200 a month cock-credit that I can work off at my leisure? Yeah, didn't think so. "The Succubus" literally told me, "I knew you didn't care about me and the boys when you wouldn't sign their birth certificates." As Maury Povich would say, "You are NOT the father."

      This is the first experience of Captain Save-A-Ho that I have shared with you. I assure you that there are more to come. Not to worry, Gentle Reader, I have put the cape up. It is gathering dust in the attic. Where we hope it will stay. I know that if Adam couldn't make it out of the Garden of Eden without a divorce, then maybe I shouldn't feel so bad for my failures here on Earth (See Video.) Happy Easter, Gentle Reader!