Gentle Reader, I must tell you, you are killing me. I have heard from people that read this blog to their co-workers, their neighbors, and their friends. Don't get me wrong, that makes me all weepy inside, but you tell people how funny I am...."Oh, you gotta read this, this guy is hilarious." How do you think that makes me feel? That puts a lot of goddamn pressure on me. Because now if you read it to them, and I'm not funny...You're fucked. I get messages asking me, "When is the next blog coming out," "I am so excited to read what you write next." Well I can assure you Gentle Reader..........that this moment..........that we are sharing..........right now..........is as good as it's going to get. We should just quit while we're ahead. So it's been great, I'm glad we had fun today. But seriously, life is always better in anticipation. In the moments leading up to a big event, you always think how perfect it is going to be and how much fun you're going to have. How do you feel in the car on the way to the beach? And how long is the ride home FROM the beach? I rest my case.
So we find our hero doing push-ups, sit-ups, and swimming laps around the apartment complex pool. He is 20 years old and in the best shape of his life. This came at a time in my life when I thought that how you look really matters. It doesn't. That is rarely the case, Gentle Reader. Don't get me wrong, it certainly helps, but if you have the swagger of a big-dicked-prettyboy that any woman would be crazy to turn down, that's pretty much all you need. The tricky part is to not go too far with it and come off as an arrogant prick. This brings me to the first of many key components of man-whoring. Confidence. Let me break it down for you. Say you are a "5" on a scale of 1 to 10. Having the right amount of confidence adds 2 points to the scale. This means a "5" is now free to hit on girls that are a "7" or less. Also, if you can make the girl laugh until she either shoots random beverages out of her nose or until she cries, add another point. Just remember to stay within your zone. A "5" can never date a "10" unless she is missing an arm (in which case she would now be considered a 6) or unless he is rich. Honestly, I would never date a girl with one arm. What if we fell in love and then she got in an accident and was wheelchair-bound for life? She would only be able to push herself in circles. And how could you not laugh while watching THAT?
The next key is the art of avoiding "The Friend Zone." This is the place where many a sweet boy's love has died a slow and painful death. This is where dreams go to die. Very few have ever gotten out alive. To avoid this "Pit of Despair," one must act quickly. I normally avoid this by sending them pictures of my junk the first time I text them. Maybe that's not your style? I get it. Just find your own path. Guys, if a girl has already been to your house, sat on the couch for hours, and left without you even holding her hand.....you're so fucking fucked and you don't even know it yet. One reason it is so important to avoid this, is it seriously cuts into the available options on any given night. Say you get drunk at a party, you might end up getting a "rusty trombone" from an acquaintance but NEVER a friend. Friends are who you call when you need someone to talk to. A girl doesn't want to suck your dick like it's going to put food on the table if you called her crying the night before because "Extreme Makeover was especially touching tonight." She might want to marry a sensitive guy, but that's not what we're going for here, so I'll leave that for someone else to write about.
The last key I will touch on today is the most important. It is very fucking simple, but it's probably the most difficult. DON'T FALL IN LOVE. Got it? I certainly don't. I broke this rule more times than I care to remember. Hell, this is how Captain Save-A-Ho even came into existence. Girls that are DTF on a random Wednesday don't make good relationship partners. Don't worry, we will delve into every single, painful one of these mistakes that I ever made. Guys, just try to follow these rules and maybe you can put a couple notches in the "man-belt." I'm not even sure what the fuck that means, but let's just go with it. Until next time, Gentle Reader.