Welcome back, Gentle Reader. I received a message from my best friend regarding the excessive profanity in my previous post. She said it was one thing to hear me say it, but quite another experience to have to read it. No worries, I told her to go fuck herself. So back to our hero. A typical high school student with a sense of purpose when all he really had was false hope and fairy tales. Thinking everything is going to work out perfectly. Graduation. College. Meet the wife. Start a family. How deluded some of us were. If our parents would have told us the mythical "when you're grown up" was like this, we would have beat the shit out of them for having us. I mean, they only had us to try to save their failing marriages anyway.
So let us picture this delusional, starry-eyed fuck, with a head full of hair, parted down the middle, flopped over on both sides, looking like he is wearing someone's ass as a hat. I was such a hopeless romantic at the time. Just waiting on "The One" to show up and blow my mind, knowing I would find "true love" but the thing I wanted more than anything else.....was sex. In my defense, at that age, I could achieve erection by facing a stiff breeze, and after a while you run out of things you can pour on it, hit it with, or even burn it with. I promise you Gentle Reader, I haven't struck another match, for ANY reason, to this day.
So now that we are on the same page, let me introduce you to Doe-Eyes. She had, even to this day, the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, the body of an Olympic gymnast, and the voice of Bobcat Goldthwait (for those wondering, he was Zed in the Police Academy movies, and voiced the rabbit on Unhappily Ever After or just check the link). Of course I tell myself at the time, you can ignore the voice, because she won't be talking much with a cock in her mouth, now will she? I mean, MAYBE she can mumble, or at best, hum the melody to "Thriller." Anyway, I met Doe-Eyes when I was 13 at a high school basketball game. She sat with a friend of mine, they sat behind me, and I was infatuated from that day forward. It was those goddamn soul-sucking eyes. I heard a rumor, not long after that, that she had lost her virginity behind the library to three guys. And being the man I am, I never thought "What a whore!". My only thought was "If three cocks are good enough for the first time, then one shouldn't be a problem."
Fast-forward a few years, and Doe-Eyes and I are finally dating. I'm 17 and she is still a whore. I was so in love, or so I thought. I thought this is what it must be like. This is what everyone has been talking about. This shit is fantastic. Then came the knife. Right in the back. This is advice for the fellas out there who may be a little younger and might actually buy this line because they are getting some from a pretty girl. When a girl says "I don't think we should have sex anymore...I want to change my ways...I want to be a better person," It doesn't mean they don't wanna fuck, it just means they don't want to fuck YOU anymore. Someone once said, a whore is a girl that is sleeping with everyone. A bitch is a girl that is sleeping with everyone EXCEPT you. I'm pretty sure she was both at some point, but being the innocent, naive little fucker I was, I said "Of course, baby, I don't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with." I am sure you guessed it by this point, Gentle Reader. She was cheating on me. She is the only girl I know for a fact that has ever cheated on me. I was crushed. Fucking crushed. I thought we loved each other, I thought high school sweethearts got married and had a shitload of unruly kids that play under other people's tables at Applebee's. That hurt went to my soul and said "We will never let this shit happen again! Got it?"
To wrap it up (which I thankfully did with her), I found out what she was doing, we broke up. She apologized, we got back together and soon after I got the same line from her again. I broke up with her and I swore I would never let this happen again, and I even heard she was already sleeping with someone else by this point. So in the next chapter we will look into the recovery and response of our hero. I warn you, this is where the ride gets a little bumpy.