Long Live The Captain

      Tender Reader, we need to have a talk. A REAL talk. I have gotten a lot of things out of this blog; clarity, self-worth, understanding, and apparently a fucking bad reputation. The latter of which I never anticipated. I thought people would see past the jokes, see past the funny stories, and see the real me......I was wrong. All I seem to do is bring more trouble my way and make people think that I am a bad person. Well, I will not let this minor setback get in the way of our journey. Fuck you if you don't like me. I probably don't like you very much either. I tend to work that way. People I don't like don't ever seem to like me very much. Apparently, I make my disdain for them fairly obvious. 

      So, I have been trying to get back down to pimpin' weight since my break-up last November. I have lost 35 pounds so far.  226 < 261. You ladies should really try the "Miles Long's Drink More Eat Less Diet." It really trims the waistline. The way it works is I try to get drunk enough that I can't feel hunger anymore. It's amazing. The side effects aren't even that bad. I'm only suffering from nose bleeds, irritable bowel syndrome, ear-aches, numbness in my lower body, diabetes, sleeping with ugly girls, and scurvy. I have a thing about sleeping with ugly girls. No, no, no, I'm not against it, but there are rules. Well, one rule actually. It must be doggy-style at all times. That way, when I close my eyes and turn my head, you probably won't even notice. I do this for THEM. I don't want to hurt their feelings, because I'm a giver.

      Don't worry about me though, Tender Reader. I am going to be around for quite some time. My family has a history of long life expectancy. I know I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I'm still sitting at a Snoopy folding table at Thanksgiving.....thirty years old and I can't even make it to the grown-ups table, cause none of these fucks wanna die. So the moral of our story today is that Arby's roast beef sandwiches look like vaginas turned sideways. At least the ones with all that extra meat hanging off the side. I'm talking about the vaginas, not the sandwiches. No such thing as extra meat on an Arby's sandwich. Those fuckers are delicious. Until next time, Tender Reader.

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