Virgins and Vegetables

      Gentle Reader, I have a crooked smile on my face. I had a horrible week, but somehow just the thought of being better than you made me feel so much better. It's not that I'm more down to earth, smarter, or funnier. It's just that I'm more down to earth, smarter, AND funnier. So, a friend of mine has recently started dating someone new. He tells me that she is a REALLY good kisser. Really? A good kisser, huh? I used to think girls were good or bad kissers, and then one of them sucked my cock. Spin-the-bottle skills apparently go out the window for me at this point.

      You guys remember those make-out sessions when you were a teenager? Those things could go on for hours. Both of you scared shitless. You could just kiss and kiss like lips don't get chapped and abortions are cheap. I think we can all remember those days. No matter what age you were. That first time things went a little too far and you could barely breath. All you could do was live in that moment.

Him: Did my hand just brush her boob?"
Kiss, kiss.
Her:  Did his hand just touch my boob?
Kiss, kiss.
Him: Holy Shit, I seriously think I just touched her tit.
Kiss, kiss.
Her: I seriously think he just touched my tit.
Kiss, kiss.
Him: I wonder if she wants me to touch it again?
Kiss, kiss.
Her: Damn, I hope he touches it again


Him: Why do her nipples look so weird? Is that what a vagina looks like? What the fuck? Isn't it supposed to have hair around it or something? Fuck it! This shit is amazing! Best. Day. Of. My. Life.. So why do I feel like a future rapist right now?  And why does it look like an Arby's roast beef sandwich? It looks so strange! I hope she doesn't think mine looks strange. Fuck, what if mine looks weird? What if when they were giving out penises, I ended up with the weird penis? And what the fuck is that beeping noise? Ohhhh, that's her pager going off. Damnit! Fuck your grandmother and her 9-1-1 pages.

      Sorry about that, Gentle Reader. I got lost in a moment there for a second. For a last bit of advice, I would like to remind the pretty girls of one simple thing..........Those drinks actually do cost money. I know the ugly girls realize that a Crown and Coke cost six bucks. Of course they do, they've been buying them for themselves their whole life. I'm not trying to be ugly, just like they aren't trying to be. It's not our fault, sometimes these things happen. Ugly girls, it's not your fault that both of your parents were ugly and you came up short on the "Two Uglies Make A Pretty" gamble. The odds were low to begin with and you crapped out. I hate that for you, but look on the bright side. Farmers need wives too. Someone has to have their semi-retarded children, and the world needs vegetables. Until next time, Gentle Reader.

Please remember to sign up on Twitter to follow me @CaptMilesLong. I will get that going when I get enough followers.

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